Finding Myself Again…

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Lately, I have been finding myself being a bit introspective these days.

Before becoming a mom, I had my life. It was all mine, then in comes this wonderful addition to our lives. Don’t get me wrong, he is everything to me, but once you become a mom everything changes. Friends start to fall off, social events are more like play dates than dinner dates, you can’t sleep anymore and you are worried every damn day.

There have been struggles in my mind since I have become a mom. Struggles that I have a hard time even explaining, because I don’t fully understand them myself. I battle with anxiety, always have, but now it is at a totally different level. There are so many worries that run through my mind everyday.

This year has been hard on everyone – literally everyone! It has hit every single person differently, but everyone is struggling. So, I certainly don’t want to say that I have it bad. I don’t. I am very lucky person and I don’t take that for granted for a single second, but for the past 3 years I have just felt like a robot (COVID or no COVID). Checking off those lists, putting everyone first ahead of myself and kinda just going though each day to day.

This year, we have all been stripped away from every simple luxury that we know. Luxuries that we didn’t even knew existed until they were stripped away. From the simple task of buying toilet paper to a date night with your partner. It took me a bit to look at this world and our life differently than I ever have before.

Since COVID happened I have been working from home every day. Now I don’t have that lunch prep to do every Sunday, no more commute, no more having to get all the laundry done during the weekend. Chores consume my brain, it has just always been how my mind works. I feel like I was holding onto to those things to feel like an accomplished mom and wife. Don’t get me wrong, those things still need to happen, but not with such a strict weekly and daily deadline. That’s when I realized something…I have space in my brain to get some serious shit done that I want to do! For me!

So how did this year change me?

Therapy! Something I have known that I have needed for years.

This was probably (besides giving birth and becoming a mom) the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Even mustering up the nerve to get that first appointment. Why does starting have to be so hard?

Since I started, it gets more and more fulfilling with every session. I am learning to love myself again and learning how to set boundaries. I am also learning that I am actually strong, instead of just saying it – I believe it now. Being able to talk to someone that is completely removed from my day to day is a wonderful thing. My therapist listens and challenges me. My husband is incredibly supportive, however I knew I needed a professional to work out some old wounds that have plagued my brain for far too long. I was in need to talk to someone that I don’t spend everyday with and someone that doesn’t see me the way he does. I still have him to talk to – always will, but now I also have my therapist.

Next on my mind was…

COVID.

Once we nailed down our new routine down and figured out our new normal, I wanted to help somehow. Dusted off my sewing machine and grabbed some fabric I had laying around and just jumped right in. I would sew a mask for any friend or family member that asked and use whatever materials I had to make one. This was in March-ish 2020 when you couldn’t buy one anywhere. Literally, anywhere! I didn’t make a ton, but I wanted to do what I felt like I could at that time to help. This isn’t a kudos to me! This is just where it all started.

Sewing sparked something in me. I fell in love with it again. I was figuring things out and I was making something happen. Little did I know that it would spark so much more. I starting setting up more and more of a permanent spot – while taking over the living room more and more. **It’s chaos over here**

Bought some sticky contact paper and created a little spot in the living room for just me. Not pictured in this photo, is the array of toys on the floor, but hey – ya gotta work with what you have.

So I sewed for awhile, I watched YouTube tutorials like a MAD WOMAN! Well then something else happened.

Feeling more and more inspired…

I decided to put myself out there and now we have this little corner of the internet that is my life. Now we are here – present day. As I navigate this whole blogosphere, my brain won’t stop going. I am studying and learning and challenging myself. The more I do this the more my confidence is rising.

Today, I have something I can call my own again. We don’t have that huge social life that we once did and that is okay. Actually I don’t even totally miss it now. Funny how that works!

Feels great to be able to start finding myself again and I am not done yet. It is never too late for anyone.

Keep pushing forward!